TOP 10 | Matt Sanchez’s All Time Greatest Beards

10. DAVID BECKHAM (Footballer), Circa 2009
A new beard that has come to my attention after watching the footie the other night. An interesting messy/neat situation that looks like it might be being prep’d for some mad beard idea – so could go up in ratings soon – I particularly like the apparent squares on each cheek, but it told me that he keep knocking Victoria over. Nice
9. CRAIG DAVID (Musician Sic.), Circa 2002 – 2006
A beard cut so fine it’s almost not there! I like this beard for it’s minimalist qualities and the fact that the guy from Bo Selecta! has mentioned to me that it’s actually drawn on with a marker to make him look like he has a beard. Trendy
8. KERRY KING (guitarist), Circa 90’s – 00’s
There is nothing quite so American as bald men with big beards, and here the Slayer Axeman gets my vote as the best example. I have written to Zakk Wylde suggesting that he shaves his head to get on my list, but an angry reply from his publicist informs me that I should not be questioning his Style. I disagree. But Kerry (who I recently met in London) has let me touch his beard so there you go. Fruity.
7. MATTHEW DICKS (Star Bloke), Circa 2003 – Present
It all started with a trip to China, and his whispy beard has now become part of the Dicks family…He really wouldn’t be himself with out it – in fact, to those who say he should get rid, get told to fuck off. Respect.
6. MEL GIBSON (Actor, Racist), Circa Career
A strange beard case here that definitely gets my attention. Normally seen with no beard at all, obviously Mel Gibson. But as soon as he’s seen out with a beard you’d  easily mistake him for one of Saddam Hussains look-a-likes. Nacho Bodega, an ex-Hussain double has informed me that Mel ‘may or may not have spent time in Iraq in the late 80s. Confusing.
5. JAVIER BARDEM (Actor), Circa 1994
Fantastic, here we have a guy that suits beards and suits not having a beard! Unlike Gibson however, you call always tell that it’s him. I believe his beard was nominated for a ‘best supporting actor’ award in Spain before he made it into Hollywood. Prestigious
4. MICKEY ROURKE/MICHEAL JACKSON (Actor/Musician), Circa 2003 – Just recently
Ok, a shared place here on the top ten. These two people represent beards that are clearly fake or just look like transplanted hair lined up in place. You just know that if a razor touched their faces they would just bleed to death, and that after so many facelifts their beards are now behind their ears. These are men so desperate to be on my beard list, I used to get hampered by Michael at least twice a day on bebo, so here they are. Glorious.
3. HOMER SIMPSON (Reality TV Actor), Circa full existence
His beard grows back seconds after shaving, I’ve told him time and time again that he needs to let it grow and be free but apparently Marge gets bad stubble rash. Legendary
2. JAMES HETFIELD (Singer, Guitarist), Circa 88-93 & 96-98
Always a beard hero, he has consistently achieve the unachievable with his beard concepts. I have picked out two period of his beard career that really stand out for me. His up and over years, no chins fluff, just big chops going into an up and over ‘tashe. So influential that that guy in Emmerdale Farm copied his look. Notorious
1.  BRAIN BLESSED (Actor, Man and Legend), Circa 60s 70s 80s 90s 00s
5 DEACADES OF MAMMOTH BEARD ACTION. Truly a beard Hero that everyone can relate to. There are no word to write here, except to say that if you don’t own a Brian Blessed poster, you can actually order them online.

Slick-haired guitar hero Sancho Banchez spills the beans on the best beards around the world. We’re too good tobancho sanchez you, we really are…

beckham_1502690i10. DAVID BECKHAM (footballer), circa 2009

A new beard that has come to my attention after watching the footie the other night. An interesting messy/neat situation that looks like it might be being prepped for some mad beard idea, so could go up in ratings soon. I particularly like the apparent squares on each cheek – Nice.

craig_david9. CRAIG DAVID (musician (sic.)), circa 2002 – 2006

A beard cut so fine it’s almost not there! I like this beard for it’s minimalist qualities and the fact that the guy from Bo Selecta! has mentioned to me that it’s actually drawn on with a marker to make him look like he has a beard. Trendy.

sq_kerry_king_live_0506128. KERRY KING (guitarist), circa 90’s – 00’s

There is nothing quite so American as bald men with big beards, and here the Slayer Axeman gets my vote as the best example. I have written to Zakk Wylde suggesting that he shaves his head to get on my list, but an angry reply from his publicist informs me that I should not be questioning his Style. I disagree. But Kerry (who I recently met in London) has let me touch his beard so there you go. Fruity.

clcoker7. MATTHEW DICKS (star bloke), circa 2003 – Present

It all started with a trip to China, and his whispy beard has now become part of the Dicks family…He really wouldn’t be himself with out it – in fact, to those who say he should get rid, get told to fuck off. Respect.

mel gib6. MEL GIBSON (actor, racist), circa 2000’s

A strange beard case here that definitely gets my attention. Normally seen with no beard at all, obviously Mel Gibson. But as soon as he’s seen out with a beard you’d  easily mistake him for one of Saddam Hussains look-a-likes. Nacho Bodega, an ex-Hussain double has informed me that Mel ‘may or may not have spent time in Iraq in the late 80s. Confusing.

javier_bardem5. JAVIER BARDEM (Actor), circa 1994

Fantastic, here we have a guy that suits beards and suits not having a beard! Unlike Gibson however, you call always tell that it’s him. I believe his beard was nominated for a ‘best supporting actor’ award in Spain before he made it into Hollywood. Prestigious.

mickey_rourkemichaeljackson_beard4. MICKEY ROURKE/MICHAEL JACKSON (actor/recently deceased musician), circa whenever

Okay, a shared place here on the top ten. These two people represent beards that are clearly fake or just look like transplanted hair lined up in place. You just know that if a razor touched their faces they would just bleed to death, and that after so many facelifts their beards are now behind their ears. These are men so desperate to be on my beard list, I used to get hampered by Michael at least twice a day on bebo, so here they are. Glorious.

homer-simpson3. HOMER SIMPSON (reality TV actor), circa life

His beard grows back seconds after shaving, I’ve told him time and time again that he needs to let it grow and be free but apparently Marge gets bad stubble rash. Legendary

james-hetfield2. JAMES HETFIELD (singer, guitarist), Circa 88-93 & 96-98

Always a beard hero, he has consistently achieve the unachievable with his beard concepts. I have picked out two periods of his beard career that really stand out for me. His up and over years, no chin fluff, just big chops going into an up and over ‘tashe. So influential that that guy in Emmerdale Farm copied his look. Notorious

brianblessed1.  BRIAN BLESSED (actor, man and legend), Circa ’60s ’70s ’80s ’90s ’00s

FIVE DECADES OF MAMMOTH BEARD ACTION. Truly a beard Hero that everyone can relate to. There are no words to write here, except to say that if you don’t own a Brian Blessed poster, you can actually order them online.

words by Matt Sanchez

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