Rogue astrology vol.3 2009 – From out of the rubble

2008? Rubbish?

2008? Rubbish?

Lets face it, just because a season is supposedly ‘Jolly’ by default it doesn’t guarantee it will be. Of course, you know this. So we all did hopefully try and make the best of wrapping up this frightful year’s end; given all the trauma of the last quarter. Its fast becoming a cliche to even mention words like ‘credit’ and ‘crunch’ in the same sentence (I now suck my teeth with shame for apparently jumping on the bandwagon!). Before now the only folk that could tell you anything of recession were hairdressers and stylists – not to mention our bald friends – and now everyone thinks they’re an expert! We may as well have postponed Halloween instead and bust-out the ghouls and goblins as consolation for the starkly contrasted height of misery and anguish promised by the recently pending season. But then life is what you make of it, isn’t it? And we have this much talked about ‘free will’ to choose whether or not we will in fact respond to such disconcerting events with alarm and distress or watch them pass you by unaffected, rather like being awake in an operation under local anesthetic: ‘sure, I don’t like what I see but I’m high as a kite and numb enough to not let it bother me’.

But now for the future!

Many people ask me if I just make-up these predictions, and many people, the same people, believe that all astrologers fabricate their own prognoses. I cannot speak for everybody in the field but, although I do take a more tongue-in-cheek approach to my forecasts, I assure you that many late nights, full of painstaking calculation, are endured by myself in order to bring you these horoscopes and I credit every reader for their intelligence enough to penetrate the cryptic metaphors and euphemisms and read between the lines to decipher a very personal message.

Each sun-sign’s particular slice of pending possibilities for the year ahead are detailed below. But before I set upon you with insights into your futures: it looks like the new year is shaping up to be a rather nice one indeed! Oh Joy! Venus has been spreading harmony throughout the earth-human collective of late and still for a few more days yet, as she moves through the cool air of Aquarius, which has been great for getting together en-mass and petering the heat off of Pluto’s recent crash into Capricorn; the bringer of these recent controversial economic times. As we launch into 2009 Jupiter will take Venus’s place on 5th January, injecting bounce and optimism into all who inhabit this lonely rock! Just what we need, I think.. .

CAPRICORN – Transformers, Robots in Disguise
Jovial Jupiter has been with you all through 2008 making you the luckiest of the all the zodiac. So after looking back on a successful year the last thing you probably want to hear is that Jupiter is now leaving your sign shortly after Pluto, the planet of death and taboo, enters the earthy realm of the mountain goat (You, Capricorn)! This theme of death is not to be taken literally but big personal changes are afoot in the coming year. On first glance Pluto’s manifest effects are anything but rosy although, in time, the true value of these much needed changes will become all the more evident, another plus is that the lord of the underworld is moving through the zodiac faster than usual, like a dwarf on speed! So the wait shouldn’t be all that long – a decade or so.

SAGITTARIUS – Cheap flight to anywhere but here!
Never to make light of the current climate but I must remain impartial and I cannot help what I see. So lets hope you’re low on the pecking order; a subordinate, cleaner or dinner lady perhaps? …CEO you say? Oh dear! Pluto screws your cash flow but maybe, in the long term, its for the better! Just keep telling yourself that anyway. Really though its time for you to dream of pastures new, sharp-shooter you, and reinvigorate your core values. Thankfully there will be plenty of willing friends to lean on this year but it may require some kind of uprooting before the dust settles and you know exactly where you are. If the worst happens and, for instance, your company ‘goes under’ may I suggest a little sojourn? I’m sure no one will notice if you scrape a little cream off the top, as it were, to facilitate such an adventure. After all it will only be swallowed up by some fat cat or whoever’s handling the administration – capiche?

SCORPIO – Comfy chair
You’ve likely seen the pace of life go through the roof of late, what with you modern ruler, Pluto, literally racing through the zodiac – owed to its rather eccentric and inconsistent orbit of our solar system. So long as you haven’t overdone it already, your old-time ruler, Mars, should have kept the enthusiasm flowing throughout this period too. This year heralds the opportunity to bring the fruits of your recent efforts back down to earth in some sort of tangible and even lucrative form. It’s all about the real hard graft from now, but there’s no need to wander too far as inklings to opportunity can be found in the deep, dark recesses of your very psyche – and is also quite likely to knock on your own front door! So keep your head down but by all means, take time to kick back and relax, thus tuning yourself to the inner realm of consciousness. Therein lies the ‘gravy’ for many-a-festive-bird to come!

LIBRA – Black & Decker
If by the time you reach springtime your house hasn’t literally fallen to bits through neglect, you may find you’ve landed yourself a pretty sweet job (? I know, its true) But if your career is coasting along nicely it might be wise to make a few modifications around the house anyway, and I’m not just saying this because I live with a Libran either, that would be cruel! Pluto, although dwarfed, is still sizable enough to swing like a wrecking ball through your abode, in a manner of speaking. Possibly manifesting when you lose the plot in a moments foray only to have the place come crashing down around you like a bad game of mouse-trap or dominoes. Nevertheless amongst your plight you will likely discover a new talent never before so apparent from which you can catapult yourself right to the bank and place a deposit on a mortgage for your new gaff, ready for your pending children. I did mention making babies, yes? In many ways be careful, please.

VIRGO – Binoculars and a microscope
2009 promises rewards for a job well done and the feeling of well-being that comes with it. You’re a sucker for the details anyway but you’re likely to pay extra close attention to your work this coming year, whilst becoming a lot more enthusiastic regarding your endeavours. Saturn spent the last year or so getting you in shape, teaching you everything the hard way perhaps, but now the gruelling grind of daily affairs receives much deserved temperament. Those of you who are single can look forward to the odd sordid affair or two but if the other party – or indeed parties – isn’t game, well I’m sure you’ll find a tree to hoist yourself up for a good old perv at your neighbours particulars. Otherwise, those of you firmly established with a significant other should watch for a tendency to spunk your just deserts all over a horse! By that I mean no gambling, you dirty little bugger!

LEO – Bananas
We all love people don’t we? Everyday people on the street are easy to deal with, so too our friends. Superiors and those in authority on the other hand are likely to be your bone of contention this year. Trust no one in that league or of that calibre. There’s likely to be upheavals on the work front but it’s not massive vocational or career breaking stuff, just that which is a means for you to get by each day, so its still kind of significant. In times like these, underhanded motives and less than admirable traits shine forth amongst those we consider the organ grinders, and you? Well you’re just the monkey! But you get to take the moral high ground in any case as a humble worker. All that said, any other ‘monkeys’ you meet along the way will be an inexhaustible source of luck and even saucier pleasures, stick together and don’t take no shit! eek?

CANCER – An inconspicuous case
Everyone changes but you, or so it would seem! Pluto will keep you guessing as to who you can actually trust this year. A process of separating the wheat from the chaff has begun and you will likely be interested in that which motivates others, with a view to potentially ‘setting up shop’ with someone close. I’d say a nice cold business partnership is safest, as this kind of a sky could also suggest marriage is on the cards. Though this is much more likely to singe one of those delicate heartstrings of yours, owed to the air of uncertainty that abounds. So best to keep it professional, at least for the time being anyway. Once you figure he/she is actually a complete bastard/bitch you can just take the money and run, eyes free from tears – essential for a sharp exit!

GEMINI – Rose tinted spectacles
You’d be best to take a cue from the recent economic upheaval, perhaps plan a trip to a faraway land until all this blows over, provided you have the cash left over to do so; finances are set to be more than a fickle affair if you just stay put. The good news is you’re probably itching to expand those horizons of yours in some way and will take a broad philosophical approach to all that ails and abates you. So if escape just isn’t an option, curl up with a good book, self help or something of that ilk would be a wise choice. Becoming a zen master and orchestrating your own destiny wont keep the bailiffs from knocking at your door, but newly acquired skills such as the Vulcan neck-pinch or Jedi mind-trick should buy you enough time to book a last minute flight or flat-out convince them ‘these aren’t the droids you are looking for’.

TAURUS – Group therapy
As you awake from the nightmare of 2008 and wipe the crap from your eyes, you’ll notice your outlook on life has begun a gentle metamorphosis which promises to continue into the new year and beyond. You’ll want to know ‘what the hell is really going on?’ in a very broad sense, and will likely search every downright dirty hole and back-alley in your quest to penetrate the darker side of life’s mysteries. You could end up befriending a few sinister types along the way in order to quench this insatiable new thirst of yours, and Jupiter does tell me that your reputation is on-the-up this year, to the point where you’re about to gain recognition for all your heartfelt endeavours. It’s all about how people will remember you when you’re dead, so watch out for who’s watching you and you might not end up shamed and nude on the nine o-clock news!

ARIES – Inflatables
With Pluto molesting your career prospects in 2009, change is in the air. Depending on how well (or not) you take this, you may succumb to a cut-throat attitude when pursuing your chosen objectives. The scary thing is, as the year kicks-off, Jupiter endows you with all the support you need from your peers and colleagues. So be careful just who you alienate as you climb that mountain. Cut your losses by all means but don’t confuse the good, the bad and the ugly. You have more than enough power to break on through, that’s a given, especially when something slightly more esoteric or out of the ordinary might tickle your fancy. Just beware that a ship must sink before your new vessel can set sail. As captain you are doomed to go down with it but all you women and children, of course, are saved. Success is only a lifeboat away!

PISCES – Breadcrumbs
This is your year of selfless benevolence, time to reach out and touch others with a kind hand – and with absolutely no hope of reward or recognition! Giving should be reward in itself, right? but then, is that really selfless? Chase not these petty, momentary satisfactions and soar for a birds eye view of the landscape! It’s this theme that will be driving you throughout the year so be sure to put things straight and for the best. Pluto is set to teach you a lesson or two about the dynamics of friendship, or even, you will spot where these dynamics are lacking and relinquish some of your entourage to the pit, never to return. Whilst you shouldn’t be focusing on any particular gain or outcome for yourself this year at least: I can tell you, when the chips are down in 2010 and Jupiter moves into your own sign it will all have been worth it. But you would have done it anyway, of course!

AQUARIUS – Brown Paper Bag
You’re no stranger to the crock of shit 2008 heralded, but you cannot deny there have been some good times too – all part of the roller coaster ride of life! We notice how roller coasters get bigger and more extreme as time goes by, but as they say: ‘it gets worse before it gets better’ and this ride is almost over. With the recent holiday season shoving you round one final hokey bend or corkscrew, you might feel like Santa skipped your house on Christmas eve. Don’t worry because he’s under orders from the King of the Gods himself, Zeus, who promises to drop round your belated gifts in the new year when Jupiter, the most benevolent planet of them all, will bestow you with a Goodyear (?)or perhaps the stars just mean one new tyre for your motor, useless!


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