Astrology Corner with Mysterious Dan

Anxious over your alignments? Concerned about the state of the stars? No we’re not talking about Britney Spears’s latest fuck ups. Zany zodiacist Mysterious Dan puts our celestial minds at ease with his first Astrology spot. Your future is in our hands…

Few may very well care less for the movements in our solar system of late. Or ever. September 11 however, saw an eclipse in the part of the sky astrologers refer to as Virgo, a sign that traditionally rules over (in a nutshell) health and service. The cataclysm brought forth by such an event bodes for the theme and flavour of the ensuing five months. Our collective attention drawn supposedly, to the trinity of health – physical, mental and spiritual. Thus being the plain where real work can be done and it’s pandemic! We can by all means ‘swim on’ oblivious if we like. Though some, bored by the hum-drum, are welcome to dissect and indulge in the potential upheaval and maybe even crisis that still lies ahead, because we’re not out of the woods yet.

Uranus, whilst ruling Aquarius, dons the outright unconventional and plays his part in the proceedings too. On the path to becoming fuller, happier people he intends to turn heads and offer spontaneous out-of-the-box solutions. Perhaps enlightening us to the more crazy side of the culinary for instance. You might try Marmite in your porridge for the first time, leave the Weetabix out completely for a change or even stick red peppers in your omelet – granted, not so strange, but have you tried it yet? I’m reminded specifically of a recent concoction at Roguemag Towers; Jim Beam and tomato juice I think it was. For us all though it’s pretty hit and miss. You could stumble on the perfect diet, or piss blue after a bad Viagra. The effect is the dynamism Uranus contributes to an overall ideal.

In the meantime Saturn, the planet of karma, pokes it’s nose around the corner, toting a cane. Is it one of sugar? (something sweet for you to eat) or is it bamboo? (a rap across the knuckles just for you). He asks us for self discipline and In the wake of the eclipse darkness, brings the appropriate reward or punishment deserved. Big changes then, ushered in by the recent lunar blanket, perhaps. What’s neat is, you only have yourself to blame! But don’t get me wrong, this is potentially some heavy shit!

That’s humanity as a whole taken care of, but how about the ‘us’ as individuals? You can’t mend a machine with shitty tools, no. We all must tend to our creeks and dry spots before offering up our gears for integration. Alas, bring on the cosmic pizza! 12 slices, so a topping for everyone. Is it cooked to your liking though? You may throw up. You may never eat a slice this good again. Sure, try another restaurant. Its all matter of taste:

From the point of view of the train driver, the world around him rushes past oblivious to anything beyond vehicular notions. Merely a blur as he break-necks from town to town. Remember to pick up a few passengers in the coming months. The cabin crew wouldn’t mind getting to know you a bit better either. Its this synthesis of perspectives that eventually begs forth the question: ‘Who the hell am I and where the hell am I going?’ – Tracks were laid so that direction needn’t be pondered – too true on this occasion. Just keep chugging along with friends and acquaintances alike, you’ll soon learn a great deal more about the ‘new you’ emerging. Almost as a knee-jerk reaction to the reflection discerned from spending so much time in the company of such losers, go figure.

You cannot decide to be spontaneous, the act itself pervades decision. The trouble is in times like these you tend to be so unconsciously extreme. Your reason for a Jog at
4am will only become apparent once you arrive at the only health food retailer open in the wee small hours! So watch for that. There’s so much crap everywhere too. Ever stepped on a plug in the dark?..Ouch! Certainly, if you don’t need it, throw it out. And if you can’t eat it, then don’t keep it. Attachments are transitive, you know this! Speaking of transits, you’re right on the money with this exercise tip. However, routine is a sucker you’re just going to have to concede if you plan on keeping your lot. So stay healthy, just in case.

‘One step forward, two steps back’ – an adage often spoken at the hindrance of progress. True, but in order to get ahead, sometimes you need a run-up. So lets say you’re in a race that spans your entire life, you’re the only contestant and you’ve promised yourself a sex change if you make it so far. That about brings us up to date. Sweat and logic begin to kick in and you no longer believe you want to go through with the op’ anymore. Fine! The hardest thing to swallow mind, will be the wasted years (however many) spent conceiting your transformation, only to
realise it’s not for you. If you plan on giving yourself a hard time about it, do it in front of the telly. Then when you catch ‘Sex Ops Gone Wrong 4’ late at night you can sigh in relief that everything is in it’s rightful place. Cock, balls and all!

Perhaps you should adopt the philosophy that staying in is the new going out. I’ll bet you’ve partied hard this summer? Hold on a moment though, this cannot be true for the entire one-twelfth of the population you belong to astrologically speaking, surely? In that case maybe its time you got up off your arse and did something. it’s either one or the other I’m afraid and if you fall into the former category and have spent one too many nights on the tiles of late, what state is your abode in? Check for leaks; gas, water and the like. Then have a thumb through your phone for the number of that handy man your sure you’ve a vague recollection of meeting. Redress, kick back and then think about bringing the party to you for a change!

Sing with me bitch! ‘I’m the best around, and nothin’s ever gonna bring me down’ – Are we secretly harbouring delusions of grandeur? A want to be recognised for all your hard work? You’ve put a lot of elbow-grease into a preferred endeavor of yours and quite frankly you’ve surpassed yourself. Or that’s what you think! Not to take away any just glory but it takes two to tango and at least eleven for a proper game of football. There’s people you should thank for getting you where you are presently, a team somewhere, but behind the scenes. And before you get ’em all round for that celebratory drink or two, check your motivation and cull any fantasy you cherish to have them fanning your face and feeding you grapes as payment for the gesture of ‘kindness’. Ooh you can be a manipulative fuck sometimes! Play fair!

When was the last time you went to church? I’m trusting religious types will avoid such nonsensicalities as horoscopes and thus lack offending anyone at this point. However spirituality is a lot less exclusive than it would first appear. For instance, your tool shed may very well be your place of worship, where you whittle away the hours fashioning a small civilisation of minute water dwelling folk out of rice and empty pistachio shells – whatever floats your boat of course! The point is to reconnect with that stranger that lives in the dustiest corner of your fragile, yet beautiful little mind and find out what they’re really up to, eh? You shouldn’t spend your time doing anything short of satisfying your own soul this autumn.

Hard as it is to accept differing points of view when you’re so damn smart anyway, it will pay in the long term to be just a little bit open minded and maybe even suspend your disbelief for a little while. In the grand scheme of things – and that is to say beyond your (and anyone’s) limited perception of reality – Nothing is actually meant to make any sense. You however will unscrupulously discern every fact and figure (metaphorically speaking) relating to any experience known to man. Albeit a mostly unconscious act, you do like to see everything in its place, neatly filed away. In turn you feel safe and on top of the game. In this respect the universe is sending you a bolt to shake things up a wee bit. Well at least it’ll feel like a bolt at first. You will reflect on this as a great gift by the time the year’s out, coupled with the realisation that you can indeed improve on perfection. Word!

For you the health and wellbeing factor of the recent eclipse is compounded by the earthy aura of indulgence! Brought to you by the bull, Taurus, the natural ruler of the second house. As you slowly munch your way to bariatric bliss, you are gently reminded to take it easy on your temple. I know how much you like games but this isn’t hungry hippos! Unless of course, you’d be a happy hippo? The road is riddled with relapse so take heed of the old adage: ‘if at first you don’t succeed…have another cake’?! – Now now, Mr/Mrs high and mighty what gave you the right to go tampering with the divine wisdom of our ancestors? You’ll be a big/good boy/girl now! Wont you?

Woah! Check your pulse. I see there’s a lot of movement in your vicinity. playing catch up with friends and family, making up for lost time. Think: ‘I’m a rubber ball, watch me bounce!. Where’s your head at though? It’s all good and well darting about like a mentalist, ticking every box on your itinerary – but remember – its quality not quantity and the influence you’re under at the moment is certain to make anyone a bit fickle; being more preoccupied with the act of doing rather than the actual doing itself. On the plus side It’s a highly dynamic time indeed and if you stay centered and in your ‘zone’ you’ll reduce the risk of a mighty crash and burn! We’re talking Boeing!’

Crash goes another vase! ‘Ouch’ goes the weasel! Team domestic violence are really on form! Your role as referee in this apparent civil war can feel more like piggy in the middle, however. But of course, how can you pick sides when you don’t really give a shit who wins or, in fact, who is right? Take a leaf out of Scorpio’s book and opt for a bit of manipulation: convince both parties you’ve got their back then get the hell outta’ Dodge, figuratively the effect will be likened to that of a bullfighter waving a red flag, flanked by a couple of moody cows. So best to amble you way out of there before they butt heads in the final showdown. Although It will still be up to you to clear up the mess when you return, naturally.

So, how to make friends? Well in your case this autumn expression is the best possible way to make a good impression. Venus seems to support this notion too. Ideas you may have been chucking around for what seems like a long time now are barking to get out. Best you take them for a walk in the park before they have no choice but to piss all over the shop, making it a less than ideal environment for honing those creative juices of yours. Since we’ve seamlessly jumped into a ‘walking the dog’ analogy, be sure to give any new folk a good stroke of your ‘pet’ and who knows, it could be the first stepping stone towards Crufts semi-finalism next year! You can’t lose.

Ha! Vegetables. Are you eating well? Although we’re a month or so into the eclipse’ influence, there’s still a way to go before all is well and we’ve digested the lessons brought forth by the motions and alignments of our luminaries. This is all getting a bit airy-fairy for you, I know, so I’ll bring it back down. Your inherent impetus should be leaning towards making your shopping list resemble that of a heath-zealot! Oh how mundane! If you’re reading this with a bit of a sniffle, then so far, no good – the planets have got the better of you (why on earth do you think they call it influenza – no joke) – time to learn your ABC’s all over again. Artichoke, broccoli, cabbage, etcetera!




  1. bloody ell that was a bit intense

  2. No sugar coats my friend, but more reliable than the weather!

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